You Say “E Go Better” But E No Later Better For My Time, Mama: The Nigerian Story

Okay, so now wey I don drop one post about Melbourne finish, time don reach make I yarn small about Nigeria. Apart from one week for October wey I go need to clear my apartment, I don nearly commot Nigeria for good.

My work there officially end on July 31, even though I go still dey go back there for business trips for the next three years because the project wey I dey handle for Melbourne na for Nigeria.

One person once talk say e get plenty things to write about Russia, but when you try, you no go see the words to start the first line. Nigeria dey the same boat, and true-true, the two countries get plenty things wey resemble. I don try explain Nigeria to people wey never go there, and most times, I dey fall hand.

One of my colleagues even stop to dey tell people for him side about the place because dem begin tag am as oga of ‘tory wey no dey straight,’ even though he no dey add salt and pepper to the gist. I dey one seminar for Paris some time back, and I dey try tell some French guys how work life be for Nigeria.

One of them yarn say I dey exaggerate, say ‘e no fit bad reach like that.’ Na so another Frenchman wey siddon near me nudge me for chest, come whisper, ‘Wait till he go do him own Nigeria assignment.’ That one dey based for Port Harcourt.

Nigeria get name wey e carry, and I don hear about am before I land there. Almost everything wey I hear, na true. In fact, nearly all of am. If you wan get small idea of how Nigeria be, just read news, you no go miss road. E no be like Russia, US, or France wey go surprise you when you see the difference between wetin you think (from their tourists or their foreign policy) and the people you meet. But beyond that general picture, some small-small things dey wey worth to mention.

First thing be say, degree matter pass form. Russians, when you yab their corruption, go say corruption dey everywhere, even for UK. Na true, but for many places, e no dey spread enter every office, every authority, every institute like e dey do for Russia. Na the level of the corruption, no be just the type, na im make Russia different from UK. You need understand this one to fit describe Nigeria well.

No way you fit dodge am—corruption don enter every corner of life, work, and society for Nigeria. I no fit think of one single place wey I no jam one scam or the other. Some of them normal sha—like police wey dey harass driver for road to collect bribe—but some no too common for other places.

Like how dem dey fill big-name alcohol bottles with local ogogoro, and e no too bad by itself, but dem dey sell am through suppliers wey you suppose trust, and e dey show up for proper bars. Some scams na only Nigeria you go see am.

I sabi one guy wey dey handle oil shipment for one foreign oil company; he get call from one oga for authority wey say he no go release the cargo wey worth millions of dollars until somebody buy him cousin N500 airtime. Na so my guy waka go shop, buy the airtime, hand am over to one rough guy wey show up for him office, just so dem fit let him crude oil commot the country.

The corruption, thief-thief, and chopping money fit come in different styles: fake CV (no be small touch-up o, I mean say you claim you be Lead Piping Engineer with 12 years experience when just yesterday you dey fish for river); sell job positions for company; steal diesel from the tanks wey you dey paid to guard; issue fake material certificates; pretend say you be immigration officer to enter office, then begin dey hustle money from the people inside for your next business; sell land wey no be your own; scatter the country refining power so you fit cash out from importing fuel.

Fake delivery notes for that fuel to collect bigger government subsidy; mess with the country power generation so you fit make money from importing generators (wey must use imported fuel); steal half-chop sandwich and open drink from office fridge; tamper with fuel gauge for filling station to shortchange customer; team up with company drivers to issue fake receipt wey show say dem buy more fuel than wetin dem actually buy; supply fake safety equipment; forge certificate for professional skills (like rope access work); pay workers less than wetin dey their contract (or no pay dem at all); clone satellite TV card so the real user service cut off when the fake one dey use (na the same people wey dey issue the real card dey clone am); the list no get head or tail. Corruption na permanent tenant for Nigeria.

Nepotism full ground: family members dey get job and promotion before anybody else. Outright stealing dey everywhere: from pen wey dey table to billions from government pocket. Dishonesty dey reign: from state governors to street boys, to lie for money na normal. Any scam you fit name, dem dey do am for Nigeria. After a while, nothing dey shock you again.

As I talk before, you go see this kind thing everywhere, but e no reach the level wey e dey for Nigeria.

E be like say e no dey like this before-before. Time dey, maybe from 1970s to 1990s, when Nigeria economy dey okay small. Apart from oil and gas, dem get farming, manufacturing, and assembly (Peugeot even set up plant for Nigeria around mid-70s), brewing (Guinness and Heineken get brewery there), refining, construction, and drugs production. Some of these things still dey today. Universities dey solid then, and students wey wan graduate must put body. Security no be big wahala for the average person.

I no sabi the full gist, but e be like say for 1990s, one military dictator decide to pour oil money everywhere to buy support. That one drown every other business, make oil and gas turn the only game for town. That one bad on its own, but no be only Nigeria get that problem. Wetin worse be say e quick-quick plant one mentality for Nigeria say plenty money dey to grab, and to get am no need honest work or effort.

Nigeria turn place wey if you no dey touch oil money, either direct or indirect, you no dey go anywhere. As oil money flood the whole country like tsunami, everybody begin hustle for their own share, whether by hook or by crook. Imagine say you throw big box of sweets enter kindergarten shout ‘Grab wetin you fit!’—the wahala wey go follow na the same thing wey scatter Nigeria for national level.

At least, na wetin I gather sha—I fit miss road—but for sure, the way things dey now fit wetin I dey yarn. The economy dey run almost only on oil and gas money, and every other thing just dey chop from there. The new hotels for Lagos, the way Abuja dey grow as capital, the luxury goods wey dey enter, the Audi and Porsche dealerships, the house prices wey dey climb, the money wey dem dey earmark for infrastructure projects, the plenty people wey dey fly—everything connect to oil money, either straight or corner-corner.

Okay, maybe I dey add small pepper, farming still dey hold big part of GDP, and service business dey boom. Advertising na big deal for Lagos, even though wetin dem advertise most na space to advertise. But nobody go blow if dem dey herd cow, pick pineapple, or work for sawmill. Even the owners no go make plenty if na only that dem dey do. Chance to hammer or even move forward no dey, except you connect to the oil money pipeline somehow.

One thing wey come out from this everybody-for-himself be say groups, societies, associations, and unions dey form just to grab money and benefits for their people. E no too different from trade unions for Europe, but for Nigeria, these groups dey form for small-small levels with funny accuracy. Like Lagos Association of Road Maintenance Engineers, Roundabout and Lay-by Division, 4th Department.

Or Nigerian Association of Water Truck Drivers, Lagos Chapter. You must join one or more of these groups: e dey important because one person go quick sink for the general kasala of Nigeria, and e dey compulsory because you no fit quietly do your work without paying some people.

Nobody sabi if these groups get legal backing, but e hard to see how dem different from normal extortion racket. One of the strongest unions for Lagos, the transport union, dey collect money from any okada (motorcycle taxi) driver wey pass their checkpoint, claim say the money na to protect them from police.

I doubt say dem use the money like that, but people dey need protection from police for Lagos true-true. The okada drivers no get choice: membership na automatic, and the union boys go beat any driver wey no gree or collect him bike. The oil and gas workers unions get mad power, make sure their members dey collect pay and benefits wey pass any local staff for the world, sometimes even beat the expats own.

This one fit no too bad by itself, but wetin dey common for all these groups na greed wey I doubt you fit see anywhere else for that kind level. One culture dey Nigeria wey define am: no amount dey ever enough, and no money too small to thief. For most people wey don hammer, whether by straight or bend road, dem go reach one point wey dem no dey chase small-small again, na only big increase dem dey eye.

Police oga for one big Thai tourist town get hand for many deals, but he no dey shake down street hawkers. Him boys fit do am to add to their salary, but once the boss don collect him cut, he no dey bother for every last kobo. The same thing dey for Middle East Sheikhs.

Dash the Crown Prince some millions for the contract, he go let the project run smooth. He no dey find extra N500k by force say you must hire him brother lorry to carry gravel. That kind control fit dey practical too: one dodgy official for UK no go bother for small change if e fit lose him job or enter prison, he go set minimum wey he go work for.

But Nigeria get the same wahala wey I see for Russia: one k-leg desire to grab 100% of everything wey dey, no leave one kobo. I don talk before say Russians go prefer 100% of nothing than 50% of something, and the same thing dey for Nigeria—but e worse pass there. The gap between rich and poor for Nigeria dey tear eye. Middle class small die, those wey no be super rich or wretched poor.

As e be, most of the Nigerians wey I work with dey that middle: lucky to get good job wey dey pay, but no be say dem dey order Porsche Cayenne for every family member. By numbers, almost all Nigerians dey dirt poor. Very few dey stink of money. That one fit no too bad by itself, but the rich ones never finish. In fact, dem just dey start. I yarn with two Angolans for one seminar, and dem talk say even though their leaders don rich well-well, dem dey at least spend some money for the country, and you fit see the difference.

Russians dey shrug when their silovoki dey help themselves to millions because dem feel say e no fit change and—more important—life dey actually better for Russia since dem take over. E dey slow, and life still tough, but dem dey move forward small (how long e go last na another gist). Infrastructure don better for Russia, like the new Sheremetovo airport.

But for Nigeria—and I dare any Nigerian wey dey read this to argue—nothing don better for the past 10 years (except maybe Abuja, where all the politicians dey stay). Infrastructure dey collapse, light no dey, Lagos airport na national shame, project after project dey get approval but no start, talk less of finish, before the money vanish, and joblessness dey climb.

I hear say 2 million people dey join workforce every year for Nigeria. To do wetin exactly? Job no dey. One work wey young guys dey do na to drive okada, until dem ban am sharp-sharp for Lagos last year. Road don better now, but you get thousands of young men wey no get income or hope of job. Since the ban start, crime—robbery, car-jacking, house-breaking—don jump well-well, even for the rich areas of Lagos wey dem think say dey safe before. E no hard to see why.

Meanwhile, Nigerian senators—109 of them—dey enjoy official package of $1.5m every year, and dem recently beg make e increase to $2.2m. US President dey collect $400k per year. If you add the unofficial money wey Nigerian senator dey make from bribe and backhander, e fit reach like $4-5m every year. Yet dem still ask for 46% increase, for country wey 45% of people dey live under poverty line. This one no shock anybody for politicians, and e no be only Nigeria dey do am.

The problem be say, this kind behaviour dey repeat from the very top of government down to the smallest street boy: anything wey dey there, I want all; and I want more. I see rich middle-class Nigerians make sure say drivers no enjoy small benefit of like N500 per week. If you threaten to report one small official for corruption, he go dey shake, no be because him oga hate corruption, but because the oga go wan know why him no dey see the profit from that scam.

We don hear of multi-million dollar oil cargo wey dem hold until somebody cousin collect N500 kickback. If new money enter the economy—like from new oil project—those wey don rich already, through their groups, unions, and political connects, go make sure say 100% of that money enter their pocket. If dem share anything, na between people wey don dey the same level of rich. If small drop reach the next level, na mistake, and dem go correct am sharp-sharp.

Two years into my work for Nigeria, I conclude say Nigeria na the only place wey I don see wey truly no get class. Class no be money o. Upper class people fit dey broke (like bankrupt chiefs), and lower class fit dey mad rich (like Russian big boys). Class na about behaviour and attitude, no be money (Kate Fox yarn this one well for her book Watching the English).

And for behaviour, I no see any difference between the top politicians, the officials for national authorities, the middle class professionals, the service people, down to the area boys. The behaviour na the same: I want more money, and I go do anything to get am. If you swap the politicians—say our 109 senators—with 109 random Nigerians, nothing go change. You fit try am 1,000 times, e go still be the same. No ruling class dey Nigeria, just rulers. Where change go come from, I no sabi.

I believe say one of the main wahala na say to lie no dey shame person for society. Not really. If dem catch you dey thief money, your people no go turn back on you. Everybody dey look am like say e no matter, and sometimes dem go even hail you (if the scam sweet well).

Society pressure dey big for how people dey behave, maybe even pass law sef, and even though all Nigerians dey complain about the crime and dishonesty wey full their country (e dey touch dem pass expats), dem no dey talk when the person na from their group. The best you fit get na shrug and ‘Na so e be.’ If you be Nigerian wey dem catch dey run scam against your oga, your colleagues no go rate you less.

In fact, the only thing wey I see fit make Nigerian turn outcast na if he say he no believe again, so he no go dey show for church or mosque. I no think I meet one Nigerian wey no dey go church or mosque, and religion na big deal—maybe the biggest—for Nigeria. I no wan dive into that matter, mostly because I no dey against religion by force, but I dey suspect say plenty Nigerians dey use church on Sunday to wash their bad behaviour for the week. For that side, the place dey like Gulf States well-well.

Now remember wetin I talk for beginning. Degree matter. You go see every kind person for Nigeria, the good, the funny, the generous, the honest, all the better things wey person fit be. You go see plenty of dem sef. I enjoy work with some solid people, wey get real skill, fit put body, get their position by merit, and dey very respectful. The team of Nigerians wey I manage na one of the best people you fit hope to meet, and dem easy to handle too. (My thinking be say engineers dey like this plenty: if you lazy and wan make money by crook, easier things dey than to do engineering degree.)

The wahala for these good people be say dem too few compared to the rest. For every Nigerian wey dey straight, get manners, and dey work hard, you go see hundred wey just wan get money with the smallest effort. If dem fit use connection, lie, or trick instead of learn skill and use am, dem go pick that one every time. Na number game: if 50% of Nigerians be like 10% of dem, the country for dey okay. And that na the main problem of Nigeria for one line: too many mumu.

When I dey bored for our morning meeting—wey be most days—I go ask my team wetin dem think about some things, plenty times about the country. Dem mostly dey lose hope. Nigerians dey famous for optimism, but e dey come from desperation plenty times. You no go see am pass the time wey one bank put Christmas tree for roundabout with ‘gifts’ under am, and by morning, all the gifts don tear open. If person think say box under tree for roundabout get X-Box, you don pass optimism enter desperation or madness.

My boys dey happy enough—Nigerians dey usually be—but dem no get hope say things go better soon. I throw idea say maybe military rule fit come back, and nobody argue. One of dem explain say during military time, na only few people for top dey chop money. Now with democracy, na tens of thousands.

And during military time, crime dey low, and people no dey too fear for their safety. Democracy good o, but I don talk am before say e na road to something, no be the thing itself. I sure say the world go shout and slap sanction if Nigeria get another military coup, but few fit argue say democracy dey bring peace, money, or basic things to Nigeria. I no too believe say plenty Nigerians no go welcome that kind thing.

So wetin I think about my time for Nigeria? True talk, I no like am, but no be for the reasons you fit think. The worst part, by far, na say I no fit go anywhere or do anything for weekend. Security matter no let us pass small area of Lagos, and even if we fit, nothing much dey to do. I like to waka with camera, camp, explore by going town and drinking plenty, ski, drive around, visit people, ride bike, climb hill.

Nothing like that dey for Lagos, mostly because of security. That mean weekend after weekend after weekend, na only to watch sport for TV, go gym, and lie by pool. People with family dey do wetin family people dey do; single guys dey go bars and clubs, carry Nigerian babes; guys like me—married but single status—no do much at all. I use the time well sha, learn French, read plenty books, better for guitar, and get fit. Nigeria weather dey fine, and their pineapple dey too sweet, but I for prefer spend my time do something else for another place.

That restriction na the worst part of my Nigeria work. As for everyday life for Lagos, with all the wahala, that one dey manageable. You go fit adapt to anything after a while, and at some point, I dey able shrug off almost everything Nigeria throw come my way. I no ever get used to the traffic, so I dey plan my day to dodge the worst.

To deal with Nigerians take some getting used to, but e easy up when I figure say dem no be the hardest thing to handle. No point dey vex about locals anywhere, because na dem be the raw material wey you get to work with. If you go Nigeria, you go work with Nigerians, so manage am. Some parts dey annoying no doubt, but wetin I fit do? Nothing.

Wetin vex me pass na some of the expats wey I meet wey no sabi anything and too green to dey there. Nigeria na hard place to pull talent come, and because of that—like plenty oil towns for world—the people wey dey land there dey usually far below the level wey dem suppose demand. You no go believe, but dem dey import foolishness and dullness come Nigeria with big money. This one dey pain me well, like e do when I see the same thing for Sakhalin.

If you dey enter somebody country say you get skill wey dem no get, you better make sure say you get that skill and e dey show well-well. If I get N500 for every time I see person fail this small test for oil business, I for don retire dey jam yachts with Roman Abramovich for Monaco. I sure say I scatter some people head for Nigeria, and maybe some no want me there, but nobody fit point me say I no add value.

Nobody fit ask ‘Why we dey keep this guy?’ If nobody else, my team boys no mind me. I give dem direction, support, and cover, and I near get the best from dem. Wetin dey vex me pass anything na to jam Nigerian wey dem tag as useless, and when you check well, you go see say dem no give am job description, no give am any serious direction, no sabi how him work connect to the department or the company, dem just dump am for desk expect say he go do something.

I see this thing too much pass wetin I suppose, and e dey pepper me. Fair enough, if person no good, call am no good; but first you must give am every chance to shine, then if he no perform, you fit call am no good. Hey, you fit even call this thing management! E dey miss well-well for Nigeria. How many okay Nigerians dem push go corner of office and write off as useless like this, I no sabi, but I bet say e plenty, and e dey do the place bad.

As final proof say I no hate the place like that, I sign up for another three years of work with Nigeria when I get chance to commot for good. I learn some things during my time for Lagos, and that knowledge dey useful. I sabi Nigeria, and how e be to work with Nigerian companies and Nigerian people for Nigerian project. Plenty people no sabi. I don used to am, e no hold any mystery or fear like when I first land almost three years ago.

I go dey go back there from time to time, but true talk, I hope I no go need live there steady again for the reasons wey I yarn. I no see am as three years wey waste—far from that—and I no hate am.

Plenty moments dey, well-well, wey I enjoy am. And as Nigeria work go, that one no too bad.